At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
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