I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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