her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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