Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I supernannyed him into submission
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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