May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
