WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
