I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Randomize
