He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
