yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
