Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I look better un-naked...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
