mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
