Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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