Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
