There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
