i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
