I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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