i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
