I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
