He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
