You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
4 words: hood of his car
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
