I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
