It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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