my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
It was confusing and full of hummus
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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