I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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