i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
