I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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