If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
