trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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