i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
