My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
