if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
