we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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