Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
