Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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