Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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