Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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