I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
