Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
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