Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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