I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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