you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
