I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
