He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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