so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
