dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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