Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Found your dick twin last night
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
