i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
one two three fourrrrnication!
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
