I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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