Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize