you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
