I want you more than these girls want KFC
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
