why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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