can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
