I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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