just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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